Seeking the Future, One Day at a Time

Hello Again, It’s Been Too Long…

Wow, it feels like it’s been forever since I last posted on here.. Sure, I’ve reblogged a few things every now and then, I’ve liked a few pictures and quotes.. but there has been far too much stuff that’s happened since my last “post”. So here we go…..

My last post was on October 21st, Fall term of my Sophomore year here at Rose-Hulman. I was talking about a girl that I really liked. To summarize that, I let her go, gave her some space, and now I’d say we’re pretty good friends. In fact, I took her to my last banquet (I’ll explain that later on). But yeah, we’re good now and I’m really happy about that.

My Fall term ended around Thanksgiving and despite the difficulty of my classes, I ended up finishing pretty well. Given the number of nights I didn’t sleep, the number of hours I spent in the academic buildings, or the library, or study rooms at our house, and the overall effort I put in to my classes last term, I did pretty well. I’m happy with that. And then I dove straight down into the pit of Electrical Engineering….

Here we are.. Winter Term. 3 classes. Only 3… Until this term, I had always taken at least 16 credit hours. My thoughts were “Only 12 credit hours? And finished by Noon every day?? This term is going to be great!!” As it turns out, this is HANDS DOWN the most stressful, painful, confusing, aggravating, testing term of my life at Rose-Hulman to this point. I pulled 4-5 all nighters between Thanksgiving and Christmas break. My understanding of concepts in my classes was questionable at best. I took a couple exams, and I failed one of them. That was the first exam I actually failed, at least the first I can remember.. Then after break ended, everything went downhill. My motivation to do work, my focus to get work done when I found the motivation to do it, the focus to study for tests, and even the motivation to get up and moving in the morning… it was all gone.

I have never hit that wall before. I don’t know how to handle it, I don’t know the response to it.. And so I began to watch myself crumble, searching for a way to save myself before it was too late. Things continued to go downhill and now, as finals week begins in only a few days, I am going to fail one class which I hope I can retake this summer, I am still frustrated with another class but am hanging on, and I am extremely worried about the third class. People tell me that things will work themselves out and in the end, it doesn’t matter. While I do believe that, I can’t help freaking out right now. I have the motivation to get my last couple of homework assignments done, I have the motivation to study and study and study for these final exams (well, 2 of them)… but I don’t have the focus. I don’t know how to get it back and I fear it’s too late. I guess all I can do is try.

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The second part to this post is in regard to girls. Yes, girls. Who knew I’d be talking about that on here?? 

First off, I’ve really liked this new girl for the past 6 weeks or so. She knows I like her, I’ve told her.. In fact, I’ve told her multiple times. Her responses have been similar, she just doesn’t want a relationship right now. I respect that, but I still wonder if I can get her to see that I’m worth dating. Granted, I have a slight problem with self worth and I feel like I’m not worthy of dating her but who knows.. 

My point with this part of the post is not to rant about how much I like this girl, I could write an entire post about just that. My point is to try and figure out why I can’t seem to start a relationship with someone, even if my life depended on it. By no means do I intend to come across as desperate, I just sorta miss having someone (if that makes any sense..) and so far, I haven’t been able to start a single relationship at this school. I don’t want to come across as pretentious either, but I do have a lot of friends that are girls here at school. I don’t think they dislike me, but I also don’t think many of them like me in a dating kind of way. I’ve talked through it with friends, I’ve changed some things, and now I’m waiting. 

Waiting sucks, especially when your life seems to be collapsing in front of you. 

…I really didn’t want to end this here because I could probably mention a few more things that I wanted to talk about but my motivation to do well in school is kicking in again, and it’s telling me to get some rest before my lab later this morning. So maybe I’ll finish this later, I’m sure I’ll write more soon..

Maybe sometimes you have to lose who you were to find out who you are.

In love, hope, and faith,

-B

A Weekend to Remember

It’s official. I am now a brother in Pi Kappa Alpha!! I think I have yet to comprehend the magnitude to everything that happened this past weekend. Everything seems like a blur now that it’s all over. I know that I will remember one evening for the rest of my life, but I cannot go into detail as to what occurred then. 

However, I can tell you about the following night. I went to our Pike banquet in Indianapolis, at the dolphin dome in the zoo to be exact. One may think that this is a very interesting choice of location to hold such a banquet, and it is.. I did enjoy most of it though. Well, I enjoyed some of it.. Ok I’m still actually piecing everything together haha..

My date for the banquet was wonderful! I mean, I loved spending the evening with her, even though we just stood near the dolphin dome for the most of the night. You probably can’t tell what my personality and habits are like from the information that I’ve typed on here the past couple of months, but I can try to inform you of myself a bit. I am generally a reserved person. I’m not that outgoing but I’m pretty welcoming and friendly. Probably the biggest aspect of my personality and overall being is that I’m very sentimental. I’m aware that most guys aren’t that sentimental about things, I never though of myself as being too sentimental but after meeting this girl about a month ago, I realized how sentimental I really am. I love complimenting someone I like on how good they look, I love sending those long texts about how happy they make me, I love snuggling on a couch while watching a movie with them, I love holding their hand on occasion while walking down the street, I love just talking about what’s going on in our lives.. Well, this girl is probably the least sentimental person I have ever met. She’s very sarcastic and self aware so when I compliment her on how good she looks, I usually receive a response of “I know.” She brushes off the texts I send about how happy I am when talking to her as if she never saw them. She doesn’t like to talk about sentimental things in general, really. However, she does like snuggling on the couch haha. I can send her texts for hours and only receive one or two brief texts every now and then in return. She drove me back from the banquet on Saturday and I massaged her neck and back for an hour and a half, all the while listening to music and not talking. When we arrived at the Pike house, she dropped me off without saying a word. 

Now, at this point you’re probably thinking that this girl is awful and I shouldn’t waste my time focusing on her so much. Yet there is this idea in my mind that won’t allow me to let go, an idea that keeps me attracted to her. I can’t figure out what this idea is and I really have no idea why i still devote so much time to communicating with her. I know she likes me, she definitely does. We’re so different but I still put up with all of the stuff she throws at me. 

I guess advice is always appreciated so if you have an opinion, please share it with me!! I really do like this girl and I’m going to give her another chance. Maybe it’s a bad idea, but I’m in college now. I’ve been sheltered all throughout high school and I never even realized it. It’s time to live and learn from my mistakes, but most importantly have the time of my life. Let the fun begin!

Forget regret or life is yours to miss.

Love,

-B