Wow, it feels like it’s been forever since I last posted on here.. Sure, I’ve reblogged a few things every now and then, I’ve liked a few pictures and quotes.. but there has been far too much stuff that’s happened since my last “post”. So here we go…..
My last post was on October 21st, Fall term of my Sophomore year here at Rose-Hulman. I was talking about a girl that I really liked. To summarize that, I let her go, gave her some space, and now I’d say we’re pretty good friends. In fact, I took her to my last banquet (I’ll explain that later on). But yeah, we’re good now and I’m really happy about that.
My Fall term ended around Thanksgiving and despite the difficulty of my classes, I ended up finishing pretty well. Given the number of nights I didn’t sleep, the number of hours I spent in the academic buildings, or the library, or study rooms at our house, and the overall effort I put in to my classes last term, I did pretty well. I’m happy with that. And then I dove straight down into the pit of Electrical Engineering….
Here we are.. Winter Term. 3 classes. Only 3… Until this term, I had always taken at least 16 credit hours. My thoughts were “Only 12 credit hours? And finished by Noon every day?? This term is going to be great!!” As it turns out, this is HANDS DOWN the most stressful, painful, confusing, aggravating, testing term of my life at Rose-Hulman to this point. I pulled 4-5 all nighters between Thanksgiving and Christmas break. My understanding of concepts in my classes was questionable at best. I took a couple exams, and I failed one of them. That was the first exam I actually failed, at least the first I can remember.. Then after break ended, everything went downhill. My motivation to do work, my focus to get work done when I found the motivation to do it, the focus to study for tests, and even the motivation to get up and moving in the morning… it was all gone.
I have never hit that wall before. I don’t know how to handle it, I don’t know the response to it.. And so I began to watch myself crumble, searching for a way to save myself before it was too late. Things continued to go downhill and now, as finals week begins in only a few days, I am going to fail one class which I hope I can retake this summer, I am still frustrated with another class but am hanging on, and I am extremely worried about the third class. People tell me that things will work themselves out and in the end, it doesn’t matter. While I do believe that, I can’t help freaking out right now. I have the motivation to get my last couple of homework assignments done, I have the motivation to study and study and study for these final exams (well, 2 of them)… but I don’t have the focus. I don’t know how to get it back and I fear it’s too late. I guess all I can do is try.
The second part to this post is in regard to girls. Yes, girls. Who knew I’d be talking about that on here??
First off, I’ve really liked this new girl for the past 6 weeks or so. She knows I like her, I’ve told her.. In fact, I’ve told her multiple times. Her responses have been similar, she just doesn’t want a relationship right now. I respect that, but I still wonder if I can get her to see that I’m worth dating. Granted, I have a slight problem with self worth and I feel like I’m not worthy of dating her but who knows..
My point with this part of the post is not to rant about how much I like this girl, I could write an entire post about just that. My point is to try and figure out why I can’t seem to start a relationship with someone, even if my life depended on it. By no means do I intend to come across as desperate, I just sorta miss having someone (if that makes any sense..) and so far, I haven’t been able to start a single relationship at this school. I don’t want to come across as pretentious either, but I do have a lot of friends that are girls here at school. I don’t think they dislike me, but I also don’t think many of them like me in a dating kind of way. I’ve talked through it with friends, I’ve changed some things, and now I’m waiting.
Waiting sucks, especially when your life seems to be collapsing in front of you.
…I really didn’t want to end this here because I could probably mention a few more things that I wanted to talk about but my motivation to do well in school is kicking in again, and it’s telling me to get some rest before my lab later this morning. So maybe I’ll finish this later, I’m sure I’ll write more soon..
Maybe sometimes you have to lose who you were to find out who you are.
In love, hope, and faith,