Seeking the Future, One Day at a Time

Hello Again, It’s Been Too Long…

Wow, it feels like it’s been forever since I last posted on here.. Sure, I’ve reblogged a few things every now and then, I’ve liked a few pictures and quotes.. but there has been far too much stuff that’s happened since my last “post”. So here we go…..

My last post was on October 21st, Fall term of my Sophomore year here at Rose-Hulman. I was talking about a girl that I really liked. To summarize that, I let her go, gave her some space, and now I’d say we’re pretty good friends. In fact, I took her to my last banquet (I’ll explain that later on). But yeah, we’re good now and I’m really happy about that.

My Fall term ended around Thanksgiving and despite the difficulty of my classes, I ended up finishing pretty well. Given the number of nights I didn’t sleep, the number of hours I spent in the academic buildings, or the library, or study rooms at our house, and the overall effort I put in to my classes last term, I did pretty well. I’m happy with that. And then I dove straight down into the pit of Electrical Engineering….

Here we are.. Winter Term. 3 classes. Only 3… Until this term, I had always taken at least 16 credit hours. My thoughts were “Only 12 credit hours? And finished by Noon every day?? This term is going to be great!!” As it turns out, this is HANDS DOWN the most stressful, painful, confusing, aggravating, testing term of my life at Rose-Hulman to this point. I pulled 4-5 all nighters between Thanksgiving and Christmas break. My understanding of concepts in my classes was questionable at best. I took a couple exams, and I failed one of them. That was the first exam I actually failed, at least the first I can remember.. Then after break ended, everything went downhill. My motivation to do work, my focus to get work done when I found the motivation to do it, the focus to study for tests, and even the motivation to get up and moving in the morning… it was all gone.

I have never hit that wall before. I don’t know how to handle it, I don’t know the response to it.. And so I began to watch myself crumble, searching for a way to save myself before it was too late. Things continued to go downhill and now, as finals week begins in only a few days, I am going to fail one class which I hope I can retake this summer, I am still frustrated with another class but am hanging on, and I am extremely worried about the third class. People tell me that things will work themselves out and in the end, it doesn’t matter. While I do believe that, I can’t help freaking out right now. I have the motivation to get my last couple of homework assignments done, I have the motivation to study and study and study for these final exams (well, 2 of them)… but I don’t have the focus. I don’t know how to get it back and I fear it’s too late. I guess all I can do is try.

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The second part to this post is in regard to girls. Yes, girls. Who knew I’d be talking about that on here?? 

First off, I’ve really liked this new girl for the past 6 weeks or so. She knows I like her, I’ve told her.. In fact, I’ve told her multiple times. Her responses have been similar, she just doesn’t want a relationship right now. I respect that, but I still wonder if I can get her to see that I’m worth dating. Granted, I have a slight problem with self worth and I feel like I’m not worthy of dating her but who knows.. 

My point with this part of the post is not to rant about how much I like this girl, I could write an entire post about just that. My point is to try and figure out why I can’t seem to start a relationship with someone, even if my life depended on it. By no means do I intend to come across as desperate, I just sorta miss having someone (if that makes any sense..) and so far, I haven’t been able to start a single relationship at this school. I don’t want to come across as pretentious either, but I do have a lot of friends that are girls here at school. I don’t think they dislike me, but I also don’t think many of them like me in a dating kind of way. I’ve talked through it with friends, I’ve changed some things, and now I’m waiting. 

Waiting sucks, especially when your life seems to be collapsing in front of you. 

…I really didn’t want to end this here because I could probably mention a few more things that I wanted to talk about but my motivation to do well in school is kicking in again, and it’s telling me to get some rest before my lab later this morning. So maybe I’ll finish this later, I’m sure I’ll write more soon..

Maybe sometimes you have to lose who you were to find out who you are.

In love, hope, and faith,

-B

Recently

I know I haven’t blogged for a while, I was pretty busy with a new term starting up here at school and lots of problems with girls, as usual. I probably could have blogged a lot every night for the past couple of weeks but I didn’t, and so now I have a whole lot to talk about. 

First, I’m done talking to that girl I met in January, the one that goes to school just down the road. I don’t initiate conversations, and I usually don’t have lengthy responses when she does initiate a conversation. She called me last night a couple of times but the conversations were very brief. That was the first time we’d talked for a week and half, maybe 2 weeks. I can’t remember.. anyway, I’m glad that is over.

Second, I’ve talked to my ex girlfriend a bit and probably said some things I shouldn’t have. Not mean things, just things that show I sort of miss her. I guess this girl I met in January was more of a distraction than anything else, I don’t know. But to sum it up, I probably shouldn’t have said some of the things I did say to my ex girlfriend. Oh well.. 

Third, this girl that hangs around the house all the time and is friends with a lot of brothers here was really interested in one brother that i’m very close to. For one reason or another, they split things off and he was really upset with her. She was upset with him too but ended up moving on to another brother that she likes. Unfortunately I started to like her a couple weeks ago and especially after we started talking more often. But I know I shouldn’t like her in that way, so i’m going to try and make us stay as just friends.

Lastly, and this is the interesting part…, I’m getting the feeling that a couple girls are flirting with me pretty often. Or at least I can’t help but flirt back when I think that they are flirting with me.. One of them goes to school with me and usually drives me back and forth from school to my house because she lives close to me. So we get to sit in the car together for 6-7 hours at a time and just talk and listen to music.. She’s really really nice and pretty cute too, but I’m still not sure if she is my type, if you get what I mean.. Ok so that was the first one, the second one also goes to the college just down the road from my school and the way I met her was through seeing her around the Pike house, where I usually hang out and do homework. She was hanging around one of the guys here that I’m good friends with, and he really liked her. I don’t exactly know what happened but it seemed like he was always confused about where she stood on their relationship as friends/dating/whatever. I’m not exactly sure if they ever were dating. Anyway, she’s talked to me a few times and she is coming over to the pike house again tonight with her friend to hang out, and I think they are going to hang out with me. Maybe I’m wrong, who knows.. This girl is really really pretty and funny and I’m actually pretty interested in getting to know her better. The problem is that she had a thing with a pike brother that I’m close to and he doesn’t care to see her around, or at least wishes she wasn’t around the house anymore. I don’t want to step on any toes or whatnot, but I want to get to know her better. Maybe I could get her number and we could text for a while? I’m not even sure if that is a good idea though.. I don’t want him to be upset with me. What to do, what to do, what to do…

The biggest truth that I’m just now coming to realize in regard to meeting girls is that I fall for my friends, my close friends. The closer I am to a girl, the more I like her. I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing, or a mix of both.. sigh, i really wish my life was easier sometimes. I don’t like dealing with these things. :(

-B

The Next Step

I just finished my second term at school and I’m back home for a week, stress free… actually, maybe not stress free.

I think. I think a lot.. and it’s nights like this when I think the most. I don’t like it, but I can’t help it so I just do it anyway. I am currently sitting in my room, it’s almost 1:30, lights are off, headphones are on. I’m listening to Sigur Ros’ Untitled (I highly recommend it if you haven’t listened to it), and I’m thinking. I don’t really want to talk about my thoughts tonight because I don’t think that continuously blogging about the same thing will magically make it go away, in fact I think that by blogging about it is fueling it, keeping it alive, making me hang on to it in my mind. So I won’t talk about her tonight.

In other news, I watched the move Drive last night and loved it! The movie was great and the soundtrack was awesome as well. Tonight, I saw Hugo with my mom. Yes, I’m a freshman guy in college and I went to see a PG movie with my mother. :) I’m glad we got to spend some time together. Last night, she went to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which makes me jealous because I really want to see that movie. :/ Maybe I’ll see it soon.

Also, I had dinner here last night with one of my good friends and we spent some time catching up/talking about stuff/trying to find ways to make me more normal lol ;) This past afternoon, I had coffee with another good friend here and we talked about similar things haha.. I’ll definitely hang with both of them again next week before I return to school.

Here’s to me hopefully getting out more, finding some fun, and enjoying life.

What am I doing??

Why? Just why?

That girl that I really like? The one that I met about a month ago and invited to my banquet? Yeah, well she invited me to her banquet as well, which got postponed about a month ago. We had a few setbacks between us and decided to stay as friends, or so I thought. Turns out she had her banquet last night.. Guess how I found out? 

I saw the pictures.

What am I doing? Why do I keep thinking about this girl? Why can’t I just let go? Why do I care so much about her? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

I’m just destroying myself, and she’s destroying me. I never get to hang out with her, our conversations are very limited because she won’t respond to anything, and on top of that she thinks that I don’t care about her feelings because I’m a guy and, I quote, “ALL GUYS DON’T GIVE A $#!& ABOUT A GIRL’S FEELINGS.”

Are you serious?!? Really? Was it the texts I sent you every single morning for the first 2.5 weeks that gave that away? Or was it the times that I directly asked you to tell me how you feel about things? Is it not obvious that I care about you?!? AHHHHH!!!

I can’t deal with it! I can’t.. I want to so badly but it’s tearing me apart.. After finishing a movie tonight, already upset with her from a past conversation that she has yet to clear up (I’m not talking to her again until I get a straight answer from her, by the way), I got on Facebook and of course…ended up on her profile. When I saw the pictures from her banquet that I was supposed to go to, I just about lost it. It’s past 4AM here and I decided to go for a run just so that I could have something physically hurt me enough to take away from the pain I had just felt inside. It didn’t help though, a bit of crying happened anyway.

But I don’t know why it did, she doesn’t deserve my tears. I have no reason to cry over a girl that doesn’t care about me. Yet it still happens… sigh. I don’t know what to do.. 

Help.. I. Need. Help. :(

Sometimes life doesn’t give you something you want, not because you don’t deserve it but because you deserve more.

-B

A Weekend to Remember

It’s official. I am now a brother in Pi Kappa Alpha!! I think I have yet to comprehend the magnitude to everything that happened this past weekend. Everything seems like a blur now that it’s all over. I know that I will remember one evening for the rest of my life, but I cannot go into detail as to what occurred then. 

However, I can tell you about the following night. I went to our Pike banquet in Indianapolis, at the dolphin dome in the zoo to be exact. One may think that this is a very interesting choice of location to hold such a banquet, and it is.. I did enjoy most of it though. Well, I enjoyed some of it.. Ok I’m still actually piecing everything together haha..

My date for the banquet was wonderful! I mean, I loved spending the evening with her, even though we just stood near the dolphin dome for the most of the night. You probably can’t tell what my personality and habits are like from the information that I’ve typed on here the past couple of months, but I can try to inform you of myself a bit. I am generally a reserved person. I’m not that outgoing but I’m pretty welcoming and friendly. Probably the biggest aspect of my personality and overall being is that I’m very sentimental. I’m aware that most guys aren’t that sentimental about things, I never though of myself as being too sentimental but after meeting this girl about a month ago, I realized how sentimental I really am. I love complimenting someone I like on how good they look, I love sending those long texts about how happy they make me, I love snuggling on a couch while watching a movie with them, I love holding their hand on occasion while walking down the street, I love just talking about what’s going on in our lives.. Well, this girl is probably the least sentimental person I have ever met. She’s very sarcastic and self aware so when I compliment her on how good she looks, I usually receive a response of “I know.” She brushes off the texts I send about how happy I am when talking to her as if she never saw them. She doesn’t like to talk about sentimental things in general, really. However, she does like snuggling on the couch haha. I can send her texts for hours and only receive one or two brief texts every now and then in return. She drove me back from the banquet on Saturday and I massaged her neck and back for an hour and a half, all the while listening to music and not talking. When we arrived at the Pike house, she dropped me off without saying a word. 

Now, at this point you’re probably thinking that this girl is awful and I shouldn’t waste my time focusing on her so much. Yet there is this idea in my mind that won’t allow me to let go, an idea that keeps me attracted to her. I can’t figure out what this idea is and I really have no idea why i still devote so much time to communicating with her. I know she likes me, she definitely does. We’re so different but I still put up with all of the stuff she throws at me. 

I guess advice is always appreciated so if you have an opinion, please share it with me!! I really do like this girl and I’m going to give her another chance. Maybe it’s a bad idea, but I’m in college now. I’ve been sheltered all throughout high school and I never even realized it. It’s time to live and learn from my mistakes, but most importantly have the time of my life. Let the fun begin!

Forget regret or life is yours to miss.

Love,

-B

What a Week

I know I haven’t posted in a while, just reblogging sentimental pictures and stuff like that.. haha. Anyway, this week has been extremely busy!! Last week was absolutely awful and last weekend I was basically dead from the workload. I was really dreading this week but I’ve been keeping things in order (sort of…) and trying to get everything done on time.

Lots of fraternity stuff is going on this week to get ready for initiation so that’s where most of my time has been going. However, the week has been pretty good so far. Getting ready for initiation has been incredible and I can’t wait until tomorrow night! I’m ready to become a brother and start this new chapter in my life here at Rose. Plus, Saturday is our fraternity banquet and I’m excited for that, too. 

Another thing (or rather, person) that has been occupying much of my time is this girl.. I think I made a few posts about her in the past. I haven’t known her for that long and I haven’t actually seen her much, but I like her. Unfortunately, we’re different people and if anything were to work out between us, it would take a lot of effort from both parties. To be quite honest, I don’t see that happening. I’ve tried to put some serious effort into making something happen but I’m getting the feeling that she likes me for all the wrong reasons. We’ll probably just stay as friends, I seriously need to stop trying to talk to her so much, too. And if something does happen, great! Time will tell, but after this weekend I know I have to cut back and expand my horizons. The biggest issue is trying to get my brain on board with that idea… Either way, she is my date to my fraternity’s banquet this weekend… should be a fun time. One of my soon-to-be brothers said it best a couple nights ago:

“Saturday, you may lose a girl but you will have gained 100 brothers.”

Even though I like this girl a lot, she’s probably not the one for me. There are many, many more girls out there that I’m positive would show me that they care as much about me as I do about them. I just have to wait until I find them… 

On the bright side, I was recently offered an internship for this next summer! I will most likely accept the offer in the next few days.

Time for a quote:

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

-B